The Next Chapter

Today has been a long and wonderful day. First, last Friday I turned in my last paper of my first year at Mars Hill Graduate School. Second, I am exhausted and cranky and have been longing to be alone for some odd reason. Third, there was no chance to simply rest as I have been in a financial crisis for a little while and had to scramble to get rent money this past weekend. But today I was offered a job at SIMCO electronics, I accepted the offer, and I will be driving to companies to pick up and deliver all sorts of machines and computer equipment to be calibrated (that is the easiest explanation). I feel like the weight of the world has come off of my shoulders. I cannot wait to work next Monday, and I feel like I am about to start the next chapter of my life.
The chapter coming to a close has been brutal. I sold most of my worldly possessions on Craigslist and on Monday August 27, 2007 I said goodbye to the closest friends I have ever known. I said goodbye to a church that had rescued, restored, healed, mentored and in many ways led me to Christ. I said goodbye to my apartment. This was no small deal in my mind. My whole life had done a complete 18o degree turn in the three years prior too my departure. And in many ways my apartment was a big character in my story.
When I first moved into it I was a recluse, and I never invited people into my life. I had a hunch that the reclusive portion of my life was coming to an end, and it did as only a few months later I invited people into my life and my apartment. This period of my life was life giving. I almost feel like my hospitality was my art. When I had people coming over I was in my element. And as any artist when you first start out you suck. I sucked. I remember the first time I cooked for everyone I could not make a decision, because what if this person doesn't like that dish or that drink, I eventually got over that little problem. But I would stress out the entire day and yet I would not have traded those minutes for anything. Even if I could go back and change my attitude, which was bad many times but that was how I lived, and I like to believe that I changed as I matured.
I guess what was most beautiful about the picture in my head about the day that I left, eleven months ago, is the picture I have looking up at my apartment for the last time. It was more than a place to put my stuff and it was more than just a space. I have several places I lived in years prior to my move into my apartment that was just an apartment or a house, but this became my home. Eventually I decorated it, I had never decorated any other place in which I had lived. And I savored the messes left by other people. I savored the dumb things like finger prints on my windows, because they didn't belong to me, a glass that someone left on my table that had lip marks on it, and even long hair that I found all over my furniture. Those were the moments when I knew my life had changed. Because for years I lived alone, even if I had a roommate, I lived alone. So when people came in to my home and left a message that someone had been there I cherished those moments, no matter how ridiculous it may seem, I never wanted to leave that apartment, my home.
But I did, I moved to Seattle, and I am starting to realize as this year comes to a close that I have in so many ways reverted to my old "I will not let anyone in" mantra. I have not let people in the way I did in K-vegas, thats Kernersville to anyone not from there:), but I know that part of me is not dead. I have feared that it was many times this year as I passed up the parties and get togethers or wasn't invited at all. But I know that I am still alive. I realized this week, and I might be wrong, but I think that part of me was punishing myself for leaving that wonderful moment in my life. I fell and have felt like I betrayed myself. I have been at times even bitter at myself for having to start all over again. Wondering, hoping, but not believing, that I would ever find friends of the depth and love that I have in North Carolina. So here I sit with a small grin on my face as I believe with this job offer coming at the most amazing time as I have nothing to do but look to the future and a fresh start. New job, new year of school and a new place to live. . .eventually. And the future looks bright and I look forward to opening the next home that I live in, even if its the size of a postage stamp, and welcome new friends through the doors and hoping that the next chapter of my life brings me home.

Lets be buds today

My brother Tim and I used to fight like all brothers do. I was four and a half years older than him and dominated most of our interactions I am sure. But we spent every waking moment around each other and sleeping hours as well, we shared rooms until I was almost seventeen. In our family we were all at one each others throat sooner or later. Many of my best memories of my childhood growing up are of Tim and I laying on the floor of one of our bedroom floors (in the twelve years of sharing a room there were nine different houses) playing G.I.Joes. or several other things through out the years. Even in those moments you never knew when the heat of life would come through and we would start fighting about whatever. Occasionally we would even get to the point were we had to walk away from each other. And there were times when I would forcefully torture him and make him cry. So even in our relationship there was a closeness but we never knew when we would have our next blow up or fight. Looking back on our family it was probably more often than I care to remember.
But every once in a while when we knew that we would be around each other all day we would say the words that provided safety in the midst of the crazyness that was our family.
"Lets be buds today" when either one of us said that the other one would automatically know that any fighting or bickering was off limits for the rest of the day. "Lets be buds today" was our way of telling each other that we needed a break from the chaos and anger involved in surviving a day in our life. Now looking back it was security in the midst of a home that taught us to attack each other. We had to live like soldiers at war never knowing when the next firefight was going down, and one one of us said those words it was like offering safety.
I haven't spoken those words in years, and now we are very different men than the boys we once were. I long for the days when I can look to anyone and say "lets be buds today." What is amazing is that I have been given those moments, with him and at this point many others. It is a beautiful relationship that can give you a place of security and peace even if for just a brief moment. And I just want to praise God that period of my life is over and that now that God has truly begun to heal so many of those memories from my family, and now I find that there are so many beautiful memories that I have forgotten but not lost many of them started with "lets be buds today."

Searching for identity

Today is Independence day. I have been thinking a lot about identity lately. Questions like "who am I?" and "where am I supposed to fit in?" continue to pop in my head a lot. I think for me that identity has a lot tied up in independence. I feel like the day I find my true identity I can be set free from all that is tying me down. Maybe then I will be perfect:) j/k. I want to finish today with a quote from another author found in Abba's child by Brennan Manning:

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." E.E. Cummings

To all of us in the fight, let us enjoy our Independence day.