The Next Chapter

Today has been a long and wonderful day. First, last Friday I turned in my last paper of my first year at Mars Hill Graduate School. Second, I am exhausted and cranky and have been longing to be alone for some odd reason. Third, there was no chance to simply rest as I have been in a financial crisis for a little while and had to scramble to get rent money this past weekend. But today I was offered a job at SIMCO electronics, I accepted the offer, and I will be driving to companies to pick up and deliver all sorts of machines and computer equipment to be calibrated (that is the easiest explanation). I feel like the weight of the world has come off of my shoulders. I cannot wait to work next Monday, and I feel like I am about to start the next chapter of my life.
The chapter coming to a close has been brutal. I sold most of my worldly possessions on Craigslist and on Monday August 27, 2007 I said goodbye to the closest friends I have ever known. I said goodbye to a church that had rescued, restored, healed, mentored and in many ways led me to Christ. I said goodbye to my apartment. This was no small deal in my mind. My whole life had done a complete 18o degree turn in the three years prior too my departure. And in many ways my apartment was a big character in my story.
When I first moved into it I was a recluse, and I never invited people into my life. I had a hunch that the reclusive portion of my life was coming to an end, and it did as only a few months later I invited people into my life and my apartment. This period of my life was life giving. I almost feel like my hospitality was my art. When I had people coming over I was in my element. And as any artist when you first start out you suck. I sucked. I remember the first time I cooked for everyone I could not make a decision, because what if this person doesn't like that dish or that drink, I eventually got over that little problem. But I would stress out the entire day and yet I would not have traded those minutes for anything. Even if I could go back and change my attitude, which was bad many times but that was how I lived, and I like to believe that I changed as I matured.
I guess what was most beautiful about the picture in my head about the day that I left, eleven months ago, is the picture I have looking up at my apartment for the last time. It was more than a place to put my stuff and it was more than just a space. I have several places I lived in years prior to my move into my apartment that was just an apartment or a house, but this became my home. Eventually I decorated it, I had never decorated any other place in which I had lived. And I savored the messes left by other people. I savored the dumb things like finger prints on my windows, because they didn't belong to me, a glass that someone left on my table that had lip marks on it, and even long hair that I found all over my furniture. Those were the moments when I knew my life had changed. Because for years I lived alone, even if I had a roommate, I lived alone. So when people came in to my home and left a message that someone had been there I cherished those moments, no matter how ridiculous it may seem, I never wanted to leave that apartment, my home.
But I did, I moved to Seattle, and I am starting to realize as this year comes to a close that I have in so many ways reverted to my old "I will not let anyone in" mantra. I have not let people in the way I did in K-vegas, thats Kernersville to anyone not from there:), but I know that part of me is not dead. I have feared that it was many times this year as I passed up the parties and get togethers or wasn't invited at all. But I know that I am still alive. I realized this week, and I might be wrong, but I think that part of me was punishing myself for leaving that wonderful moment in my life. I fell and have felt like I betrayed myself. I have been at times even bitter at myself for having to start all over again. Wondering, hoping, but not believing, that I would ever find friends of the depth and love that I have in North Carolina. So here I sit with a small grin on my face as I believe with this job offer coming at the most amazing time as I have nothing to do but look to the future and a fresh start. New job, new year of school and a new place to live. . .eventually. And the future looks bright and I look forward to opening the next home that I live in, even if its the size of a postage stamp, and welcome new friends through the doors and hoping that the next chapter of my life brings me home.